Session 1

A: Do you like losing control?
B: I don't know. It depends I guess.
A: On what?
B: On the situation. If I need to be in control or if I can give it up.
A: What do you mean?
B: Well, if I'm drunk and I really need to be able to walk because otherwise I'll just pass out and freeze to death on the street because I'm all alone - I always drink on my own - losing control isn't that convenient. But if I'm lying in bed with someone anda having fun I don't see why I need to be in control.
A: So, you can afford to lose control when you're around others?
B: Maybe. Yes. If I know they'll take care of things. That they'll take control.
A: Tell me about the drinking.
B: Tell you what?
A: Whatever you want. What's your favorite drink for example.
B: Scotch and soda.
A: Do you only drink in bars or at home?
B: Bars. Usually one near work. Sometimes I stop by before going home.
A: Why do you only drink when you're on your own?
B: I don't know. I don't like talking to people when I'm drinking. I feel like they're trying to see how much I can handle. I know my friends don't like to see me drink.
A: Who are these friends?
B: We went to college together. We kept in touch I guess. Jerry and Sue I've known since high school.
A: Did they always know about you're drinking problem?
B: We used to party a lot together. I guess they knew I liked my liquor, they kind of saw it happen to me. But they only realized how bad it was after the accident. Hell, that's when I realized I had a problem.
A: You're aware of your problem. That's very good. Do you feel that you have any control over your problem?
B: You mean if I could stop?
A: Yes.
B: I don't know.
A: Why do you think you drink?
B: I killed the love of my life in a car accident. I live in a tiny appartment on the wrong side of the tracks. My landlord is an abusive son of a bitch who enjoys torturing me by cutting off the hot water. My sister doesn't talk to me anymore. My parents hate me for what I am.
A: But these are all results of your addiction.
B: They are the reasons why I keep drinking. You wanna know how got there in the first place.
A: Yes.
B: I don't know. I just don't know. I was never happy. When I drink I get to feel a little bit less. Less sad, less screwed up, less hated, less wrong. I'm wrong. Maybe that's why.
A: Being an alcoholic doesn't make you feel more wrong?
B: Of course it does, but at this point, what difference does it make? (Pause.) You're not very bright are you? You ask a lot of very obviously stupid question that demand stupid answers. I think I'll be going now.
A: We still have fifteen minutes.
B: I don't care.
A: Maybe that's you're problem.
B: My problem, right now, is you.
A: Maybe we should resume our session some other time.
B: Oh, so now you're in control. You are ending the session? I just ended it. You can't end it again. It's like the boss saying "You're fired" and then the other one goes "You can't fire me, I quit!".
A: Don't get upset. I think it's best if we stop this now and pick this up next week.
B: If I come back next week.
A: That's up to you Mr. Baxter, but I'd recommend that you do come back. We haven't even scratched the surface.
B: I'll scratch your surface if you don't shut it soon.
A: There's no reason to be rude, Mr. Baxter.
B: There's lots of reasons to be rude, like you thinking that I'm a moron.
A: I don't think you're a moron.
B: Then why do you ask me these questions? Like you don't know the answer.
A: You need to say some things so that not only I hear them but so that you do too.
B: Hmm.
A: Well, Mr. Baxter, I'll be seeing you in a week then.
B: Sure.

Why...and Whatever Happened To That Band Of Mine?

(So why am I all blogcrazy these days? Cuz I'm close to 100 posts! Yippee!)

Remember my band? (Well, imaginary bad, but who cares?) You know, there was the peroxideblond bass player Lou, the female drummer called Paco and June on the guitar...Well, we broke up this summer. The dynamics just weren't right anymore. Lou got a divorce and had a fling with a diplomat's daughter who turned out to be a sadistic evil bitch, but you know Lou, he had totally fallen for her and got all obsessed.

Then there's Paco; sheesh, does that girl know how to make a mess. She's tattooed all over, I mean, like a sailor or something. Then one night, she gets drunk at this dump of a bar and hooks up with a skank called Crystall or Chrissie or something. Anyway, she's so drunk she gets that cow's name tattooed on her left shoulder. Of course, when she gets home the next morning, she discovers it, totally freaks because her girlfriend is coming back from a business trip the next day and will no doubt get behind her love's indiscretion. So she flees to her parents, hoping that she can avoid seeing her girl until she can have the tattoo removed. Thing is, her parents don't know about her being gay, so she has to tell them this humongous lie. Of course, her girlfriend is really worried when she gets back (and slightly pissed, 'cause Paco had promissed to pick her up at the airport and had left her some half-assed message about her mother not being well) and goes to Paco's parents house. Paco gets mad at her, saying that she was trying to force her to come out of the closet to her parents and they get into this huge fight at her parents' house. It's at the point of getting violent when Paco's dad is like "Kid, chill, we know. What do we look like, morons?" (No one answered that question).
So after that everything was alright, Paco even told her about her tattoo and the story behind it. All was forgiven and forgotten. She and her girl were apparently having amazing sex, as Paco just couldn't keep telling us over and over again. But she was getting really distracted and kept missing rehearsals and stuff.

And of course, there's Lou...June is nice, even though she can be very moody sometimes. She just has these phases when she stops talking. She just stares, even if you ask her a direct question. You're afraid she's gonna go all Haley Joel Osment on your ass. So her brooding combined with Lou having a stalkery obsession and Paco's incesent yapping about the beauty of her relationship and her lack to attend band practice, just led to trouble.What did I do? Hey, I'm a self-declared loon, I don't need any other excuse to behave badly. Anywho...we decided that it might be good to put the whole band thing on ice 'till everybody gets a grip.

R.W. Genius

Lots of people feel they have something to be envied for, and I guess in some cases they do, (I know I do...) like a hot car, a talent or an amazing BF.
But there are people who have something you can really envy them for because you can't just get it, not for money, not by getting them stoned or drunk; and that's smarts and a good sense of humor.

Robin Williams is without doubt one of the funniest individuals on this godforsaken rock called Earth. He's like on speed, never misses a beat, goes through eight different personalities in five seconds and, man, can he diss the French...I just don't think anyone should live without having experienced his genius.
Here's some quotes, just to prove that I'm friggin' right.

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so...look at the platypus." (or Cher)

"Having George W. Bush giving lecture in business ethics is like a leper giving you a facial, it just doesn't work out."

Just a taste...but not knowing him is like being deprived of Real Time With Bill Maher - it makes life so much less worth living.

Smile

Things that make you sad. There are so many of them out there. People's homes are burning down in California. Little kids in Afghanistan are afraid they'll be killed if they visit a school built by the Americans. Movies like "Nights at Rodanthe" (f*** the moral, if the girl doesn't get the guy in the end, it's a sad bloody movie).
Yeah, so I get all moody when I listen to Robert Downey Jr.'s "Futurist" album (and when I watch the news or read the paper). Between "Falling in Love With A Broken Heart" and wondering about "Hannah"'s abusive relationship there are so many ups and downs you don't know whether you wanna hang yourself or dance. But then, finally in the end, there comes the song that's supposed to make everything right again: "Smile". If you smile through fear and sorrow, smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun shining through, for you...Smile, what's the use of crying, You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...
Honestly, right now, I don't have a reason in the world to be sad and I find myself smiling quite a lot lately. And guess what - it feels great.

Time Makes You Bolder

Is it time? That makes you bolder, I mean. Or is it just experience, which the passing of time entails? There really are these moments when you realize that you've gotten older, that you've changed. The changes might have been subtle at first, but sooner or later you'll notice that you're not who you were a year ago. Mostly I hope that I'll change into a braver person. Maybe I've just been afraid of changing. Not anymore. Right?

Check It Out

Loupine has new deviations for the world! Check it out on loupine.deviantart.com

Quotes: Life, Sin and Death

When I get all thoughtful, I like to distract myself by reading about the smart stuff other, cleverer people thought of. Who really wants to hear what I got to say anyway? It's all been said and probably better.

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself." - Ethel Barrymore

"I know the world is unfair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?" - Bill Watterson

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose you heart's desire. The other is to gaint it." - George Bernard Shaw

"Life is something everyone should try at least once." - Anonymous

"The world is a stage, but he play is badly cast." - Ocar Wilde

"I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse." - Isaac Asimov

"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; it's the essence of inhumanity." - George Bernard Shaw

"Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself isn't sinful - just stupid.)" - Robert A. Heinlein

"Death is one of the few things that can easily be done lying down. The difference between death and sex is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." - Anonymous

I Want You

Isn't that one of the most ambiguous statements ever? Uncle Sam could totally be an old sex-crazed perv. Imagine him saying it in a very Gollum-like voice..."I waaaaant youuuu."
Or it could be all sexy Dracula-style, "I vaant you..." , a very desperate "I want you", a final choice after some hesitation "I want you" or an expression of possession "I want you".

Now to something completely different...
After listening to the Best of Meat Loaf for something like days, I have decided that "Took the Words Right Out Of My Mouth" is one of the greatest songs ever. There are different live recordings of the song, and depending which one you have, the beginning is totally different. Mine is the 1987, 6:51 (Rock'n'Roll Hero) version, and it's one of the sexiest things I've ever heard. Here's the lyrics...

Him: On a hot summer night.
Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
Her: Will he offer me his mouth?
Him: Yes
Her: Will he offer me his teeth?
Him: Yes
Her: Will he offer me his jaws?
Him: Yes
Her: Will he offer me his hunger?
Him: Yes
Her: Again. Will he offer me his hunger?
Him: Yes
Her: And will he starve without me?
Him: Yes
Her: And does he love me?
Him :Yes
Her: Yes
Him: On a hot summer night.
Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
Her: Yes
Him: I bet you say that to all the boys.

And then the brilliant guitar launches into the amazing melody...oh, what the hell, here's the rest of the lyrics.

It was a hot summer night and the beach was burning
There was a fog crawling over the sand
When I listen to your heart I hear the whole world turning
I see the shooting stars
Falling through your trembling hands
You were licking your lips and your lipstick shining
I was dying just to ask for a taste
We were lying together in a silver lining
By the light of the moon
You know there's not another moment
Not another moment
Not another moment to waste

You hold me so close that my knees grow weak
But my soul is flying high above the ground
I'm trying to speak but no matter what I do
I just can't seem to make any sound
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you

Now my body is shaking like a wave on the water
And I guess that I'm beginning to grin
Oooh, we're finally alone and we can do what we want to
The night is young
And ain't no one gonna know where you
No one gonna know where you
No one's gonna know where you've been
You were licking your lips and your lipstick shining
I was dying just to ask for a taste
We were lying together in a silver lining
By the light of the moon
You know there's not another moment to waste

And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
You took the words right out of my mouth
It must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
It must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
It must have been while you were kissing me
YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH
IT MUST OF BEEN WHILE YOU WERE KISSING ME

Oh, what would the world be without rock'n'roll?

Human kind - who's idea was that anyway?

When Lucifer told God to shove it, he was just saying out loud what everybody else was thinking. Mike and Gabe, although not exactly what you'd call pals, where just too chickenshit to speak up. The whole concept of humanity just seemed...well, stupid might be a bit of a strong word, but not really thought through. Fiddle with a monkey's DNA and what do you get? A moron who can build weapons to cause pain, be cruel and who has only three things on his mind: sex, power and food.
So Lucifer just said, "Hey, if they are allowed to do whatever they want and fuck (up), I think we all should." But you know, most of the others were like "Come on, man, the Big Guy knows what he's doing; he has a brilliant master plan." - "How do you know?", Luc asked, "Did he tell you?" - "Well, no, but you know, he's like totally almighty and stuff...he's gotta have a plan." Now Luc didn't really like to be a flunky or bimbo, so he and his buddies went ballistic on his co-angels, and there was a lot of fighting and you know how that turned out.

Well, some days I understand Luc. What the Hell, if you pardon the pun, was the Guy upstairs thinking? Are we just a really sick experiment? Research aim: "How abominable can a sentient being be?" Because sometimes human behavior baffles me to the point of disgust, even nausea. We are so caught up in selfishness and petty issues, we don't even consider that there's a world around us, that hurt is eating up everything and that we, as a race, are moving in a veeery bad direction. No, wrong, we've been going in that direction for thousands of years and we are nearing the horrible destination. We created social codes and a moral that are so far away from the true meaning of humanity that they've made us immobile; we cannot go beyond our own needs and thoughts, we are stuck in a bubble of emotional detachment and a lack of empathy. Most of us cannot and to not want to suffer with or for others, don't reach out to others out of the sheer kindness of our hearts. We are nothing like the great beings we like to think were God's greatest creation.

But that's just some days. Sometimes we prove that we are exceptional, in a good way. We do incredible things out of love, anger, fear, compassion and hate; we prove that we can go beyond all boundaries if the motivation is strong enough. We can create things like music and poetry. We can form bonds with others that can last as long as mortality lets us.

And then I gotta admit that I do not believe that we're an all-powerful kid's science project. I think we are existence, as far as we understand. I don't have to believe that it all makes sense, that there's a plan, do I? I just have to believe in me and you.





BTW: Did you know that Lucifer, which means "Bringer of Light" (lat. lux light and ferre bring), is not only the name commonly reffering to Satan, but also what the planet Venus was called when it rises in the morning or precedes the sun (in astronomical terms)? Pliny the Elder (Gaius Plinius Secundus) said, "The star called Venus … when it rises in the morning is given the name Lucifer … but when it shines at sunset it is called Vesper."

Escapist, moi?

Auoch (or however you write that noise you make when you're something between tired, happy, but still annoyed)...I have so much stuff I should be doing, but I feel like I'd be giving in to my inner goody two-shoes if I did what's smart. I don't want to be smart. I want to curl up in my bed with a good book (I got THE GRAVEYARD BOOK, signed by the masters themselves!!!) and a hot cocoa or tea and relaaax...but life ain't fair, so instead of bitching around I should just get to it and do what must be done. (But what would life be if we didn't bitch every once in a while?) Now just think of the paradox; I'm sitting here, considering what a mistake it this to put things off, which in itself is the best way to delay things. I know, you're not stupid, you caught on to that. I'm going to hate myself for doing this tomorrow. I'll be tired and grumpy and there'll be no one else to blame but me...but I can live with that.

So...aren't yall glad that it's all over tomorrow? The guessing, the wishing, the hoping, the praying...Please, America, don't mess this up. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Well, I guess this is the end of my rambling...which means I get to do my homework. Yipee!