Uhach...Woody Allen always makes me very pensive and moody and makes me worry about my existence. Like I have the time or the energy to stop and worry if anything even makes any sense. Damn you and your scripts, you clarinette playing devil!
Anywho...the Xmas consumerism craze has gotten a hold of me and all I can think about is the menu, the decorations and the goddamn tree. Everytime I'm in the city there are so many colorful glittery peppy things screaming at me through the windows "buy me! buy me!" and millions of christmasy smells, I fear that I'll have a sensory overload and just slip into a zombie-like state. That's what the time before Christmas really is, the "Nights of the Shopping Dead". Who cares that some guy (I think his name was Jason or Jessie or something like that) was born, only to get nailed to a cross some 30 years later to save our souls from eternal damnation? Pfff, what am I saying, actually, Christians totally stole that holiday from nice, innocent pagans, who just wanted to celebrate the rebirth of the Great God (or nature) who was going to bloom in Spring with a bit of honey wine, good food and a Yule log. But nooo, Christians just had to make it aaaall about themselves. Friggin' egomaniacs.
But seriously, they broke me. As soon as I get near a store I get the urge to shop. Why do I want to give my money away when I'm so happy everytime I get some? I think they just broke me with all their Christmas carols and their Gingerbread Lattes. Next year I'm going to Barbados and I'll just ignore Christmas.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Session 1
A: Do you like losing control?
B: I don't know. It depends I guess.
A: On what?
B: On the situation. If I need to be in control or if I can give it up.
A: What do you mean?
B: Well, if I'm drunk and I really need to be able to walk because otherwise I'll just pass out and freeze to death on the street because I'm all alone - I always drink on my own - losing control isn't that convenient. But if I'm lying in bed with someone anda having fun I don't see why I need to be in control.
A: So, you can afford to lose control when you're around others?
B: Maybe. Yes. If I know they'll take care of things. That they'll take control.
A: Tell me about the drinking.
B: Tell you what?
A: Whatever you want. What's your favorite drink for example.
B: Scotch and soda.
A: Do you only drink in bars or at home?
B: Bars. Usually one near work. Sometimes I stop by before going home.
A: Why do you only drink when you're on your own?
B: I don't know. I don't like talking to people when I'm drinking. I feel like they're trying to see how much I can handle. I know my friends don't like to see me drink.
A: Who are these friends?
B: We went to college together. We kept in touch I guess. Jerry and Sue I've known since high school.
A: Did they always know about you're drinking problem?
B: We used to party a lot together. I guess they knew I liked my liquor, they kind of saw it happen to me. But they only realized how bad it was after the accident. Hell, that's when I realized I had a problem.
A: You're aware of your problem. That's very good. Do you feel that you have any control over your problem?
B: You mean if I could stop?
A: Yes.
B: I don't know.
A: Why do you think you drink?
B: I killed the love of my life in a car accident. I live in a tiny appartment on the wrong side of the tracks. My landlord is an abusive son of a bitch who enjoys torturing me by cutting off the hot water. My sister doesn't talk to me anymore. My parents hate me for what I am.
A: But these are all results of your addiction.
B: They are the reasons why I keep drinking. You wanna know how got there in the first place.
A: Yes.
B: I don't know. I just don't know. I was never happy. When I drink I get to feel a little bit less. Less sad, less screwed up, less hated, less wrong. I'm wrong. Maybe that's why.
A: Being an alcoholic doesn't make you feel more wrong?
B: Of course it does, but at this point, what difference does it make? (Pause.) You're not very bright are you? You ask a lot of very obviously stupid question that demand stupid answers. I think I'll be going now.
A: We still have fifteen minutes.
B: I don't care.
A: Maybe that's you're problem.
B: My problem, right now, is you.
A: Maybe we should resume our session some other time.
B: Oh, so now you're in control. You are ending the session? I just ended it. You can't end it again. It's like the boss saying "You're fired" and then the other one goes "You can't fire me, I quit!".
A: Don't get upset. I think it's best if we stop this now and pick this up next week.
B: If I come back next week.
A: That's up to you Mr. Baxter, but I'd recommend that you do come back. We haven't even scratched the surface.
B: I'll scratch your surface if you don't shut it soon.
A: There's no reason to be rude, Mr. Baxter.
B: There's lots of reasons to be rude, like you thinking that I'm a moron.
A: I don't think you're a moron.
B: Then why do you ask me these questions? Like you don't know the answer.
A: You need to say some things so that not only I hear them but so that you do too.
B: Hmm.
A: Well, Mr. Baxter, I'll be seeing you in a week then.
B: Sure.
B: I don't know. It depends I guess.
A: On what?
B: On the situation. If I need to be in control or if I can give it up.
A: What do you mean?
B: Well, if I'm drunk and I really need to be able to walk because otherwise I'll just pass out and freeze to death on the street because I'm all alone - I always drink on my own - losing control isn't that convenient. But if I'm lying in bed with someone anda having fun I don't see why I need to be in control.
A: So, you can afford to lose control when you're around others?
B: Maybe. Yes. If I know they'll take care of things. That they'll take control.
A: Tell me about the drinking.
B: Tell you what?
A: Whatever you want. What's your favorite drink for example.
B: Scotch and soda.
A: Do you only drink in bars or at home?
B: Bars. Usually one near work. Sometimes I stop by before going home.
A: Why do you only drink when you're on your own?
B: I don't know. I don't like talking to people when I'm drinking. I feel like they're trying to see how much I can handle. I know my friends don't like to see me drink.
A: Who are these friends?
B: We went to college together. We kept in touch I guess. Jerry and Sue I've known since high school.
A: Did they always know about you're drinking problem?
B: We used to party a lot together. I guess they knew I liked my liquor, they kind of saw it happen to me. But they only realized how bad it was after the accident. Hell, that's when I realized I had a problem.
A: You're aware of your problem. That's very good. Do you feel that you have any control over your problem?
B: You mean if I could stop?
A: Yes.
B: I don't know.
A: Why do you think you drink?
B: I killed the love of my life in a car accident. I live in a tiny appartment on the wrong side of the tracks. My landlord is an abusive son of a bitch who enjoys torturing me by cutting off the hot water. My sister doesn't talk to me anymore. My parents hate me for what I am.
A: But these are all results of your addiction.
B: They are the reasons why I keep drinking. You wanna know how got there in the first place.
A: Yes.
B: I don't know. I just don't know. I was never happy. When I drink I get to feel a little bit less. Less sad, less screwed up, less hated, less wrong. I'm wrong. Maybe that's why.
A: Being an alcoholic doesn't make you feel more wrong?
B: Of course it does, but at this point, what difference does it make? (Pause.) You're not very bright are you? You ask a lot of very obviously stupid question that demand stupid answers. I think I'll be going now.
A: We still have fifteen minutes.
B: I don't care.
A: Maybe that's you're problem.
B: My problem, right now, is you.
A: Maybe we should resume our session some other time.
B: Oh, so now you're in control. You are ending the session? I just ended it. You can't end it again. It's like the boss saying "You're fired" and then the other one goes "You can't fire me, I quit!".
A: Don't get upset. I think it's best if we stop this now and pick this up next week.
B: If I come back next week.
A: That's up to you Mr. Baxter, but I'd recommend that you do come back. We haven't even scratched the surface.
B: I'll scratch your surface if you don't shut it soon.
A: There's no reason to be rude, Mr. Baxter.
B: There's lots of reasons to be rude, like you thinking that I'm a moron.
A: I don't think you're a moron.
B: Then why do you ask me these questions? Like you don't know the answer.
A: You need to say some things so that not only I hear them but so that you do too.
B: Hmm.
A: Well, Mr. Baxter, I'll be seeing you in a week then.
B: Sure.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Why...and Whatever Happened To That Band Of Mine?
(So why am I all blogcrazy these days? Cuz I'm close to 100 posts! Yippee!)
Remember my band? (Well, imaginary bad, but who cares?) You know, there was the peroxideblond bass player Lou, the female drummer called Paco and June on the guitar...Well, we broke up this summer. The dynamics just weren't right anymore. Lou got a divorce and had a fling with a diplomat's daughter who turned out to be a sadistic evil bitch, but you know Lou, he had totally fallen for her and got all obsessed.
Then there's Paco; sheesh, does that girl know how to make a mess. She's tattooed all over, I mean, like a sailor or something. Then one night, she gets drunk at this dump of a bar and hooks up with a skank called Crystall or Chrissie or something. Anyway, she's so drunk she gets that cow's name tattooed on her left shoulder. Of course, when she gets home the next morning, she discovers it, totally freaks because her girlfriend is coming back from a business trip the next day and will no doubt get behind her love's indiscretion. So she flees to her parents, hoping that she can avoid seeing her girl until she can have the tattoo removed. Thing is, her parents don't know about her being gay, so she has to tell them this humongous lie. Of course, her girlfriend is really worried when she gets back (and slightly pissed, 'cause Paco had promissed to pick her up at the airport and had left her some half-assed message about her mother not being well) and goes to Paco's parents house. Paco gets mad at her, saying that she was trying to force her to come out of the closet to her parents and they get into this huge fight at her parents' house. It's at the point of getting violent when Paco's dad is like "Kid, chill, we know. What do we look like, morons?" (No one answered that question).
So after that everything was alright, Paco even told her about her tattoo and the story behind it. All was forgiven and forgotten. She and her girl were apparently having amazing sex, as Paco just couldn't keep telling us over and over again. But she was getting really distracted and kept missing rehearsals and stuff.
And of course, there's Lou...June is nice, even though she can be very moody sometimes. She just has these phases when she stops talking. She just stares, even if you ask her a direct question. You're afraid she's gonna go all Haley Joel Osment on your ass. So her brooding combined with Lou having a stalkery obsession and Paco's incesent yapping about the beauty of her relationship and her lack to attend band practice, just led to trouble.What did I do? Hey, I'm a self-declared loon, I don't need any other excuse to behave badly. Anywho...we decided that it might be good to put the whole band thing on ice 'till everybody gets a grip.
Remember my band? (Well, imaginary bad, but who cares?) You know, there was the peroxideblond bass player Lou, the female drummer called Paco and June on the guitar...Well, we broke up this summer. The dynamics just weren't right anymore. Lou got a divorce and had a fling with a diplomat's daughter who turned out to be a sadistic evil bitch, but you know Lou, he had totally fallen for her and got all obsessed.
Then there's Paco; sheesh, does that girl know how to make a mess. She's tattooed all over, I mean, like a sailor or something. Then one night, she gets drunk at this dump of a bar and hooks up with a skank called Crystall or Chrissie or something. Anyway, she's so drunk she gets that cow's name tattooed on her left shoulder. Of course, when she gets home the next morning, she discovers it, totally freaks because her girlfriend is coming back from a business trip the next day and will no doubt get behind her love's indiscretion. So she flees to her parents, hoping that she can avoid seeing her girl until she can have the tattoo removed. Thing is, her parents don't know about her being gay, so she has to tell them this humongous lie. Of course, her girlfriend is really worried when she gets back (and slightly pissed, 'cause Paco had promissed to pick her up at the airport and had left her some half-assed message about her mother not being well) and goes to Paco's parents house. Paco gets mad at her, saying that she was trying to force her to come out of the closet to her parents and they get into this huge fight at her parents' house. It's at the point of getting violent when Paco's dad is like "Kid, chill, we know. What do we look like, morons?" (No one answered that question).
So after that everything was alright, Paco even told her about her tattoo and the story behind it. All was forgiven and forgotten. She and her girl were apparently having amazing sex, as Paco just couldn't keep telling us over and over again. But she was getting really distracted and kept missing rehearsals and stuff.
And of course, there's Lou...June is nice, even though she can be very moody sometimes. She just has these phases when she stops talking. She just stares, even if you ask her a direct question. You're afraid she's gonna go all Haley Joel Osment on your ass. So her brooding combined with Lou having a stalkery obsession and Paco's incesent yapping about the beauty of her relationship and her lack to attend band practice, just led to trouble.What did I do? Hey, I'm a self-declared loon, I don't need any other excuse to behave badly. Anywho...we decided that it might be good to put the whole band thing on ice 'till everybody gets a grip.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
R.W. Genius
Lots of people feel they have something to be envied for, and I guess in some cases they do, (I know I do...) like a hot car, a talent or an amazing BF.
But there are people who have something you can really envy them for because you can't just get it, not for money, not by getting them stoned or drunk; and that's smarts and a good sense of humor.
Robin Williams is without doubt one of the funniest individuals on this godforsaken rock called Earth. He's like on speed, never misses a beat, goes through eight different personalities in five seconds and, man, can he diss the French...I just don't think anyone should live without having experienced his genius.
Here's some quotes, just to prove that I'm friggin' right.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so...look at the platypus." (or Cher)
"Having George W. Bush giving lecture in business ethics is like a leper giving you a facial, it just doesn't work out."
Just a taste...but not knowing him is like being deprived of Real Time With Bill Maher - it makes life so much less worth living.
But there are people who have something you can really envy them for because you can't just get it, not for money, not by getting them stoned or drunk; and that's smarts and a good sense of humor.
Robin Williams is without doubt one of the funniest individuals on this godforsaken rock called Earth. He's like on speed, never misses a beat, goes through eight different personalities in five seconds and, man, can he diss the French...I just don't think anyone should live without having experienced his genius.
Here's some quotes, just to prove that I'm friggin' right.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so...look at the platypus." (or Cher)
"Having George W. Bush giving lecture in business ethics is like a leper giving you a facial, it just doesn't work out."
Just a taste...but not knowing him is like being deprived of Real Time With Bill Maher - it makes life so much less worth living.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Smile
Things that make you sad. There are so many of them out there. People's homes are burning down in California. Little kids in Afghanistan are afraid they'll be killed if they visit a school built by the Americans. Movies like "Nights at Rodanthe" (f*** the moral, if the girl doesn't get the guy in the end, it's a sad bloody movie).
Yeah, so I get all moody when I listen to Robert Downey Jr.'s "Futurist" album (and when I watch the news or read the paper). Between "Falling in Love With A Broken Heart" and wondering about "Hannah"'s abusive relationship there are so many ups and downs you don't know whether you wanna hang yourself or dance. But then, finally in the end, there comes the song that's supposed to make everything right again: "Smile". If you smile through fear and sorrow, smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun shining through, for you...Smile, what's the use of crying, You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...
Honestly, right now, I don't have a reason in the world to be sad and I find myself smiling quite a lot lately. And guess what - it feels great.
Yeah, so I get all moody when I listen to Robert Downey Jr.'s "Futurist" album (and when I watch the news or read the paper). Between "Falling in Love With A Broken Heart" and wondering about "Hannah"'s abusive relationship there are so many ups and downs you don't know whether you wanna hang yourself or dance. But then, finally in the end, there comes the song that's supposed to make everything right again: "Smile". If you smile through fear and sorrow, smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun shining through, for you...Smile, what's the use of crying, You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...
Honestly, right now, I don't have a reason in the world to be sad and I find myself smiling quite a lot lately. And guess what - it feels great.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Time Makes You Bolder
Is it time? That makes you bolder, I mean. Or is it just experience, which the passing of time entails? There really are these moments when you realize that you've gotten older, that you've changed. The changes might have been subtle at first, but sooner or later you'll notice that you're not who you were a year ago. Mostly I hope that I'll change into a braver person. Maybe I've just been afraid of changing. Not anymore. Right?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Quotes: Life, Sin and Death
When I get all thoughtful, I like to distract myself by reading about the smart stuff other, cleverer people thought of. Who really wants to hear what I got to say anyway? It's all been said and probably better.
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself." - Ethel Barrymore
"I know the world is unfair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?" - Bill Watterson
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose you heart's desire. The other is to gaint it." - George Bernard Shaw
"Life is something everyone should try at least once." - Anonymous
"The world is a stage, but he play is badly cast." - Ocar Wilde
"I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse." - Isaac Asimov
"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; it's the essence of inhumanity." - George Bernard Shaw
"Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself isn't sinful - just stupid.)" - Robert A. Heinlein
"Death is one of the few things that can easily be done lying down. The difference between death and sex is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen
"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." - Anonymous
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself." - Ethel Barrymore
"I know the world is unfair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?" - Bill Watterson
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose you heart's desire. The other is to gaint it." - George Bernard Shaw
"Life is something everyone should try at least once." - Anonymous
"The world is a stage, but he play is badly cast." - Ocar Wilde
"I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse." - Isaac Asimov
"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; it's the essence of inhumanity." - George Bernard Shaw
"Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself isn't sinful - just stupid.)" - Robert A. Heinlein
"Death is one of the few things that can easily be done lying down. The difference between death and sex is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen
"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." - Anonymous
Saturday, November 08, 2008
I Want You
Isn't that one of the most ambiguous statements ever? Uncle Sam could totally be an old sex-crazed perv. Imagine him saying it in a very Gollum-like voice..."I waaaaant youuuu."
Or it could be all sexy Dracula-style, "I vaant you..." , a very desperate "I want you", a final choice after some hesitation "I want you" or an expression of possession "I want you".
Now to something completely different...
After listening to the Best of Meat Loaf for something like days, I have decided that "Took the Words Right Out Of My Mouth" is one of the greatest songs ever. There are different live recordings of the song, and depending which one you have, the beginning is totally different. Mine is the 1987, 6:51 (Rock'n'Roll Hero) version, and it's one of the sexiest things I've ever heard. Here's the lyrics...
Him: On a hot summer night.
Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
Her: Will he offer me his mouth?
Him: Yes
Her: Will he offer me his teeth?
Him: Yes
Her: Will he offer me his jaws?
Him: Yes
Her: Will he offer me his hunger?
Him: Yes
Her: Again. Will he offer me his hunger?
Him: Yes
Her: And will he starve without me?
Him: Yes
Her: And does he love me?
Him :Yes
Her: Yes
Him: On a hot summer night.
Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
Her: Yes
Him: I bet you say that to all the boys.
And then the brilliant guitar launches into the amazing melody...oh, what the hell, here's the rest of the lyrics.
It was a hot summer night and the beach was burning
There was a fog crawling over the sand
When I listen to your heart I hear the whole world turning
I see the shooting stars
Falling through your trembling hands
You were licking your lips and your lipstick shining
I was dying just to ask for a taste
We were lying together in a silver lining
By the light of the moon
You know there's not another moment
Not another moment
Not another moment to waste
You hold me so close that my knees grow weak
But my soul is flying high above the ground
I'm trying to speak but no matter what I do
I just can't seem to make any sound
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
Now my body is shaking like a wave on the water
And I guess that I'm beginning to grin
Oooh, we're finally alone and we can do what we want to
The night is young
And ain't no one gonna know where you
No one gonna know where you
No one's gonna know where you've been
You were licking your lips and your lipstick shining
I was dying just to ask for a taste
We were lying together in a silver lining
By the light of the moon
You know there's not another moment to waste
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
And then you took the words right out of my mouth
Oh-it must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
And I swear it's true
I was just about to say I love you
You took the words right out of my mouth
It must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
It must have been while you were kissing me
You took the words right out of my mouth
It must have been while you were kissing me
YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH
IT MUST OF BEEN WHILE YOU WERE KISSING ME
Oh, what would the world be without rock'n'roll?
Human kind - who's idea was that anyway?
When Lucifer told God to shove it, he was just saying out loud what everybody else was thinking. Mike and Gabe, although not exactly what you'd call pals, where just too chickenshit to speak up. The whole concept of humanity just seemed...well, stupid might be a bit of a strong word, but not really thought through. Fiddle with a monkey's DNA and what do you get? A moron who can build weapons to cause pain, be cruel and who has only three things on his mind: sex, power and food.
So Lucifer just said, "Hey, if they are allowed to do whatever they want and fuck (up), I think we all should." But you know, most of the others were like "Come on, man, the Big Guy knows what he's doing; he has a brilliant master plan." - "How do you know?", Luc asked, "Did he tell you?" - "Well, no, but you know, he's like totally almighty and stuff...he's gotta have a plan." Now Luc didn't really like to be a flunky or bimbo, so he and his buddies went ballistic on his co-angels, and there was a lot of fighting and you know how that turned out.
Well, some days I understand Luc. What the Hell, if you pardon the pun, was the Guy upstairs thinking? Are we just a really sick experiment? Research aim: "How abominable can a sentient being be?" Because sometimes human behavior baffles me to the point of disgust, even nausea. We are so caught up in selfishness and petty issues, we don't even consider that there's a world around us, that hurt is eating up everything and that we, as a race, are moving in a veeery bad direction. No, wrong, we've been going in that direction for thousands of years and we are nearing the horrible destination. We created social codes and a moral that are so far away from the true meaning of humanity that they've made us immobile; we cannot go beyond our own needs and thoughts, we are stuck in a bubble of emotional detachment and a lack of empathy. Most of us cannot and to not want to suffer with or for others, don't reach out to others out of the sheer kindness of our hearts. We are nothing like the great beings we like to think were God's greatest creation.
But that's just some days. Sometimes we prove that we are exceptional, in a good way. We do incredible things out of love, anger, fear, compassion and hate; we prove that we can go beyond all boundaries if the motivation is strong enough. We can create things like music and poetry. We can form bonds with others that can last as long as mortality lets us.
And then I gotta admit that I do not believe that we're an all-powerful kid's science project. I think we are existence, as far as we understand. I don't have to believe that it all makes sense, that there's a plan, do I? I just have to believe in me and you.
BTW: Did you know that Lucifer, which means "Bringer of Light" (lat. lux light and ferre bring), is not only the name commonly reffering to Satan, but also what the planet Venus was called when it rises in the morning or precedes the sun (in astronomical terms)? Pliny the Elder (Gaius Plinius Secundus) said, "The star called Venus … when it rises in the morning is given the name Lucifer … but when it shines at sunset it is called Vesper."
So Lucifer just said, "Hey, if they are allowed to do whatever they want and fuck (up), I think we all should." But you know, most of the others were like "Come on, man, the Big Guy knows what he's doing; he has a brilliant master plan." - "How do you know?", Luc asked, "Did he tell you?" - "Well, no, but you know, he's like totally almighty and stuff...he's gotta have a plan." Now Luc didn't really like to be a flunky or bimbo, so he and his buddies went ballistic on his co-angels, and there was a lot of fighting and you know how that turned out.
Well, some days I understand Luc. What the Hell, if you pardon the pun, was the Guy upstairs thinking? Are we just a really sick experiment? Research aim: "How abominable can a sentient being be?" Because sometimes human behavior baffles me to the point of disgust, even nausea. We are so caught up in selfishness and petty issues, we don't even consider that there's a world around us, that hurt is eating up everything and that we, as a race, are moving in a veeery bad direction. No, wrong, we've been going in that direction for thousands of years and we are nearing the horrible destination. We created social codes and a moral that are so far away from the true meaning of humanity that they've made us immobile; we cannot go beyond our own needs and thoughts, we are stuck in a bubble of emotional detachment and a lack of empathy. Most of us cannot and to not want to suffer with or for others, don't reach out to others out of the sheer kindness of our hearts. We are nothing like the great beings we like to think were God's greatest creation.
But that's just some days. Sometimes we prove that we are exceptional, in a good way. We do incredible things out of love, anger, fear, compassion and hate; we prove that we can go beyond all boundaries if the motivation is strong enough. We can create things like music and poetry. We can form bonds with others that can last as long as mortality lets us.
And then I gotta admit that I do not believe that we're an all-powerful kid's science project. I think we are existence, as far as we understand. I don't have to believe that it all makes sense, that there's a plan, do I? I just have to believe in me and you.
BTW: Did you know that Lucifer, which means "Bringer of Light" (lat. lux light and ferre bring), is not only the name commonly reffering to Satan, but also what the planet Venus was called when it rises in the morning or precedes the sun (in astronomical terms)? Pliny the Elder (Gaius Plinius Secundus) said, "The star called Venus … when it rises in the morning is given the name Lucifer … but when it shines at sunset it is called Vesper."
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Escapist, moi?
Auoch (or however you write that noise you make when you're something between tired, happy, but still annoyed)...I have so much stuff I should be doing, but I feel like I'd be giving in to my inner goody two-shoes if I did what's smart. I don't want to be smart. I want to curl up in my bed with a good book (I got THE GRAVEYARD BOOK, signed by the masters themselves!!!) and a hot cocoa or tea and relaaax...but life ain't fair, so instead of bitching around I should just get to it and do what must be done. (But what would life be if we didn't bitch every once in a while?) Now just think of the paradox; I'm sitting here, considering what a mistake it this to put things off, which in itself is the best way to delay things. I know, you're not stupid, you caught on to that. I'm going to hate myself for doing this tomorrow. I'll be tired and grumpy and there'll be no one else to blame but me...but I can live with that.
So...aren't yall glad that it's all over tomorrow? The guessing, the wishing, the hoping, the praying...Please, America, don't mess this up. Pretty please with a cherry on top.
Well, I guess this is the end of my rambling...which means I get to do my homework. Yipee!
So...aren't yall glad that it's all over tomorrow? The guessing, the wishing, the hoping, the praying...Please, America, don't mess this up. Pretty please with a cherry on top.
Well, I guess this is the end of my rambling...which means I get to do my homework. Yipee!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Poof Goes That Dream - I'm Sorry Sidney
I found out today that I will never be a spy or any other kind of supercool agent; for all kinds of reasons, one of them being that I can't reanimate myself after being poisoned (although it's not like a had the chance to try) OR shoot a mosquito from five miles away with only a pen and a pebble as tools.
I was quite shocked and rather disappointed. This is not something I usually tell people, but I always saw my future as a mix between a more dramatic episode of Alias and Commander in Chief (yes, I do believe I would also be an excellent President, thank you very much). I saw myself juggling a brilliant political career and my romantic life while being active as a field agent for a super-secret but thouroughly virtuous organization and saving the world from some unknown crisis every once in a while.
Now that dream's gone poof. All that's left is being a surgeon, writing the next Moby Dick, winning the Acadamy Award for Best Everything, fighting evil aliens in another galaxy, fighting evil monsters in another dimension, traveling in time to meet awesome people and designing the shoes for every occasion.
I was quite shocked and rather disappointed. This is not something I usually tell people, but I always saw my future as a mix between a more dramatic episode of Alias and Commander in Chief (yes, I do believe I would also be an excellent President, thank you very much). I saw myself juggling a brilliant political career and my romantic life while being active as a field agent for a super-secret but thouroughly virtuous organization and saving the world from some unknown crisis every once in a while.
Now that dream's gone poof. All that's left is being a surgeon, writing the next Moby Dick, winning the Acadamy Award for Best Everything, fighting evil aliens in another galaxy, fighting evil monsters in another dimension, traveling in time to meet awesome people and designing the shoes for every occasion.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Halloween, Embarrassment and Why I'm a Sybil
Halloween is around the corner and I have no costume. Now THAT's a horror. I was God last year, so I didn't really need a costume (hardy freaking har har; I know, I'm not at my best today, funnywise at least). Maybe I could go as Sarah Palin, that would be scary. Too obvious, I know. Maybe I'll go as a ghoul bride. I think I can pull off the undead thing. Little bit of white, little bit of blood smeared around my mouth...why not? Problem solved. Vonderfuuul...(<-that's my Dracula voice, in case you didn't know).
I found out today that people read this stuff here (although 'people' might be a bit of an overstatement) and now I'm all embarrassed. Now I feel pressured to be supersmart and original. Dear Reader, know that you are cause to self-doubt and fear of failure. It used to be so much fun, being sarcastic and cynical and slightly pathetic when I was having one of my moody why-is-life-so-cruel days. Now I have to wonder whether I can proficiently translate my sick and childish sense of humor into my writing and deep stuff like that. But, argh, what am I saying? Everybody loves an audience, right? Uh-hu. Anywho...I just (re)watched a great movie the other day, "My First Mister". Leelee Sobieski and Albert Brooks have this great dialogue:
Randall (Albert B.): Shut up, Sybil, shut up.
Jennifer (Leelee S.): Sybil?
Randall: Yeah, you know Sybil? The woman with the eight home phone numbers? It's not necessarily a bad thing. A plethora of personalities can be very enchanting.
Jennifer: Fuck you.
Randall: Fuck you.
Jennifer: Fuck you!
Randall: Fuck you, all eight of you.
Do you know Sybil Dorsett? Her real name was Shirley Mason and she got famous for having a very severe case of dissociative identity disorder, meaning she had 16 co-existing personalities. Someone wrote a book about it, then it was made into a movie and recently they made a remake fo the 70s flic for CBS. Google her; the story is so far out.
Don't you think we all have a plethora of personalities? The people we know all know a different side of us and we behave differently around each of them. It depends on how well they know you - or want to know you. I guess we just display different aspects of our personality. But sometimes I think the aspects of my personality are so far apart that it doesn't seem possible that they are all part of one person. And maybe I'm just really full of myself (I'm grinning right now, just so you know that I once again think I'm pretty funny when I'm not. I'm typsy, that's the problem.) Okay, shutting up now.
I found out today that people read this stuff here (although 'people' might be a bit of an overstatement) and now I'm all embarrassed. Now I feel pressured to be supersmart and original. Dear Reader, know that you are cause to self-doubt and fear of failure. It used to be so much fun, being sarcastic and cynical and slightly pathetic when I was having one of my moody why-is-life-so-cruel days. Now I have to wonder whether I can proficiently translate my sick and childish sense of humor into my writing and deep stuff like that. But, argh, what am I saying? Everybody loves an audience, right? Uh-hu. Anywho...I just (re)watched a great movie the other day, "My First Mister". Leelee Sobieski and Albert Brooks have this great dialogue:
Randall (Albert B.): Shut up, Sybil, shut up.
Jennifer (Leelee S.): Sybil?
Randall: Yeah, you know Sybil? The woman with the eight home phone numbers? It's not necessarily a bad thing. A plethora of personalities can be very enchanting.
Jennifer: Fuck you.
Randall: Fuck you.
Jennifer: Fuck you!
Randall: Fuck you, all eight of you.
Do you know Sybil Dorsett? Her real name was Shirley Mason and she got famous for having a very severe case of dissociative identity disorder, meaning she had 16 co-existing personalities. Someone wrote a book about it, then it was made into a movie and recently they made a remake fo the 70s flic for CBS. Google her; the story is so far out.
Don't you think we all have a plethora of personalities? The people we know all know a different side of us and we behave differently around each of them. It depends on how well they know you - or want to know you. I guess we just display different aspects of our personality. But sometimes I think the aspects of my personality are so far apart that it doesn't seem possible that they are all part of one person. And maybe I'm just really full of myself (I'm grinning right now, just so you know that I once again think I'm pretty funny when I'm not. I'm typsy, that's the problem.) Okay, shutting up now.
Friday, October 17, 2008
0209 Hours
It's two in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. But I need to. Dyou know that feeling when you have a thousand thoughts drifting through your head and a million feelings twirling in your chest and you desperately try to make sense of some of them? Lying in the dark, staring at light reflected on your ceiling from outside and listening to the rain and the wind and the cars on the wet streets, wishing to fall asleep so that you may forget about the things you think you should have done differently or not done at all, turning every stone of regret, again and again. For once, I'd like to go to bed and not regret a thing. Right now, I wish I could just sleep and dream.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Romantic
Today I discovered that I'm a Romantic in every sense of the word. I love English Lit.
I also discovered that walking in the rain might seem romantic in the freaking movies, but it ain't so in the real world. It messes up your hair, gives you wet feet and drops of water trickling down your spine...might sound sexy, but really it's just very unpleasant.
Still, I love Fall, it's the most beautiful season of the year. The smell of dead leaves, the rain, the gloomy skies, the autumn sun...magnificent.
I wish I had a Tardis. I'd go back to some age where they didn't have any cars in the cities. I bet that made Fall even more beautiful. Hmm...
I also discovered that walking in the rain might seem romantic in the freaking movies, but it ain't so in the real world. It messes up your hair, gives you wet feet and drops of water trickling down your spine...might sound sexy, but really it's just very unpleasant.
Still, I love Fall, it's the most beautiful season of the year. The smell of dead leaves, the rain, the gloomy skies, the autumn sun...magnificent.
I wish I had a Tardis. I'd go back to some age where they didn't have any cars in the cities. I bet that made Fall even more beautiful. Hmm...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Indiana Jones of University
First off: university is friggin' great. Even though they teach us to formulate these kind of statements a bit more elegantly, I think there's no other way to say this. Having said that, I must admit that I am not (yet) a shining example of a student. I got trouble keeping track of assignments, deadlines and all that fun stuff. When my fellow freshmen say things like "So, did you get the text on Semiotics?", I usually say something like "Hmm...interesting. For some reason, I don't have a clue what you're talking 'bout." It's like a mental rolling stone that just appears out of thin air because I had to start talking about tomorrow's seminar, I just had to push the stone statuette and activate the deadly trap.
Of course I always make it out alive somehow, but most of the time I am forced to check my e-mails, just to see whether there's anything else I might have forgotten - which feels like reaching into a snake-and-spider-ridden whole to turn the switch so that I can continue on my perilious venture; I know that some nasty beasty could bite you at any moment or that some prof might have some additional homework he'd like me to do for the next day.
Unfortunatly, I have not (yet...) hooked up with a racy blond, so that's how far my Indiana-ness (I'm sure you were wondering how far I can take the Inadiana analogy). But just imagine what a disaster it would be if I had to handle my studies and some fiery stunner; it would be my end...or would it?
NEXT WEEK: The Amazing M. will present THE JEDI METAPHOR...tatata!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Aye, Aye, Admiral
The first time I had the pleasure to see Admiral James T. perform was five years ago, when I made the first step on the road of adolenscence. It just so happened that I stumbled into a bar with a few of my good friends where Admiral James T. and the Bell Garden Four were to perform some days ago. This was a few weeks after my birthday, when I officially crossed into the depths of adulthood. What a coicidence, I thought, that the Admiral was always there when my life took a new turn. He's like my personal Hermes, watching over me as I travel the roads of this complicated life...
But the point I would like to make has nothing to do with his possible status as semi-deity. (I know, I get distracted.) Actually, this is supposed to be a tribute to the Admiral. So here it goes...
As I take to a wide variety of musical genres, it was an absolute delight to get to hear mellow country tunes fade into harsher but still pleasant rock melodies. Sometimes I had to think of Bowie, sometimes of Cash. The three sets perfectly built up to a rapturous climax. I knew that Admiral James T. and the Bell Garden Four had the crowd wrapped around their musical finger when the cool nodds and the anonymous tapping shoes were replaced by swaying bodies and slightly uncontrolled limbs shooting rhythmically in different directions.
Of course, the Admiral is also a reasonably handsome fellow and charming enough to make sure that the females (and males, I guess) in the audience were mesmerized by his jest and style. So, please, do not mistake this for an unbiased comment.
Thus my praise ends, but take this with you: if you ever get the chance to see the Admiral, do not hesitate to do so. Be it only to experience his outrageously wonderful, loud persona.
But the point I would like to make has nothing to do with his possible status as semi-deity. (I know, I get distracted.) Actually, this is supposed to be a tribute to the Admiral. So here it goes...
As I take to a wide variety of musical genres, it was an absolute delight to get to hear mellow country tunes fade into harsher but still pleasant rock melodies. Sometimes I had to think of Bowie, sometimes of Cash. The three sets perfectly built up to a rapturous climax. I knew that Admiral James T. and the Bell Garden Four had the crowd wrapped around their musical finger when the cool nodds and the anonymous tapping shoes were replaced by swaying bodies and slightly uncontrolled limbs shooting rhythmically in different directions.
Of course, the Admiral is also a reasonably handsome fellow and charming enough to make sure that the females (and males, I guess) in the audience were mesmerized by his jest and style. So, please, do not mistake this for an unbiased comment.
Thus my praise ends, but take this with you: if you ever get the chance to see the Admiral, do not hesitate to do so. Be it only to experience his outrageously wonderful, loud persona.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
An Ode to Terry
Terry Moore, thy pen be blessed,
For the disappointed soul,
And a mind depressed,
You can with it again make whole.
Terry Moore, blessed be thy marrow,
For it is the wellspring of your creations,
That are so real and never narrow,
And that prove your dedications.
Terry Moore, humbly shall we bow,
For thou hath given us tales of humanity and wonder,
That us not only to dream will allow,
But about choices, changes and paths will let us ponder.
For the disappointed soul,
And a mind depressed,
You can with it again make whole.
Terry Moore, blessed be thy marrow,
For it is the wellspring of your creations,
That are so real and never narrow,
And that prove your dedications.
Terry Moore, humbly shall we bow,
For thou hath given us tales of humanity and wonder,
That us not only to dream will allow,
But about choices, changes and paths will let us ponder.
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